The other day, I ran across a website for kids to send an email to Santa. It turns out there are many such sites, and it made me realize that Santa needs broadband today, just like other people who live in rural areas. Santa doesn’t just receive millions of emails, but it turns out that a lot of kids now also send videos to Santa to tell him how nice they have been during the year.

Santa not only needs broadband to communicate with millions of kids, but in today’s world of a complex supply chain, Santa needs broadband to be able to order the raw materials needed to build the large volumes of toys. Most vendors have moved their ordering systems online, and there are no longer rooms full of people taking orders from customers, even from Santa’s elves. It’s hard to say how much bandwidth Santa needs. Just due to receiving millions of emails and videos, his toy operation looks like a large business and needs a serious broadband connection. It’s hard to think today that Santa and his team don’t also use various cloud software programs to keep track of everything.

There has been a lot of debate over the years about the exact location of Santa’s workshop. One problem Santa has in getting broadband is that the true North Pole isn’t in any country. It sits in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, making it impossible to reach with wired broadband unless somebody builds an undersea fiber.

It seems unlikely that something like a Starlink subscription could provide enough bandwidth (and from what I can tell, Starlink doesn’t have much coverage that far north yet). However, OneWeb is up and running and has significant coverage in the far North. The company is now specializing in wholesale bandwidth connections to government locations and is probably the perfect solution for Santa today.

But it’s obvious that an operation the size of Santa’s will eventually need fiber. Many people have speculated over the years that his workshop is not at the true North Pole but somewhere nearby on dry land. The closest populated place to the North Pole is the town of Alert on Ellesmere Island in Canada. The Canadian government has pledged to connect 98% of rural households to broadband by 2026 and 100% by 2030. Perhaps Canada has made a secret and special arrangement to include the North Pole in its broadband plans. If not, somebody should start a petition!

It’s too bad that Santa’s workshop is not in the U.S. If it was, then the BEAD grants would be bringing better broadband since there is a mandate to bring broadband to every unserved location, no matter how remote.

So while most of you are all taking the day off, I’m going to start formulating a plan to get broadband to Santa’s workshop. Otherwise, he’s probably only a few years away from being unable to maintain the business.

I’ll leave you with what I know my wife will think is the best Santa joke:

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

I hope everybody has a safe and wonderful holidays!